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A “Model Chinese-American” Family
Born and raised in the San Fernando Valley in the Los
Angeles area, I was the fourth of five children born to
immigrant Toishan Chinese parents. To the outside world,
we were the “model Chinese-American” family. As kids
we were courteous and well behaved, respectful to our
parents as well as to others. We were hard working. We
were at the very top of our classes academically. I
performed and won awards at music competitions and drama
festivals.
Our
family was admired by all. We made our parents proud. Of
course, they would never show it, though. Like in many
typical Chinese-American families, I didn’t recall my
parents ever telling me that they loved me or were proud
of me when I was growing up. There was none of the
positive reinforcement or affirmation that we see
encouraged by popular psychologists in society today. But
without verbalizing it, we knew that we loved each other.
Seasons of Change
As I entered my first year at UCLA, my yearning for a
deeper relationship with my parents grew. I had always
dreamed of having Brady Bunch type relationships with my
own mom and dad. I dreamed that we could give each other
hugs and tell each
other
that we loved each other. But that kind of thing never
happened in our family, nor in the other Chinese families
that we knew. I wanted so much to have a deeper
relationship with my mom and dad—for us to be friends.
My parents were good
and decent people, but I realized that unless they
received the free gift of eternal life through Jesus
Christ, we would never see them again after they passed
away. Each of the five of us children had all believed in
Jesus. We had our wrongs paid for by Jesus’ death that
allows us to be forgiven of our sins, so that after we
die, we have the privilege of being with God instead of
being eternally separated from Him. However, neither my
mom nor dad had received this gift. This made me sad. I
wondered what I could do to change things. I wanted to
have a more complete love for my parents and a deeper
relationship with them. And I also wanted them to enjoy
the free gift of God that we had.
During my freshman
year at UCLA, my eldest sister, May, repeatedly encouraged
me to “honor and obey my parents so things would go well
for me.” Additionally, Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the
Family had a strong influence on me. I would regularly
listen to his radio broadcasts or audiocassette tapes. He
had a concept of spending time individually with his son
and his daughter to open up meaningful communication. I
wondered if I too could experience the same type of
bonding if I “dated” my mom and dad separately.
Baby
Steps to Success
I started to consider the idea of asking my mom and dad
out on “dates.” It was an interesting but scary
thought. I started calling them while I was away at
college to chat with them. I didn’t want anything from
them. I just wanted to see how things were going in their
lives. It was awkward at first. They couldn’t understand
why I was calling. But it got easier. There were fewer
awkward silences. Next, on the weekends when I came home
from UCLA, I started accompanying them to Chinatown and
helping them with their shopping.
Risks
versus Reward
School ended, and I
moved back home. I began to get excited and scared at the
same time at the thought of asking my mom on a date and
then asking my dad on a date. What happens if they laugh
at me? What happens if they refuse? What happens if my
brother and sisters get wind of this? They would tease me
incessantly, no doubt, I thought. It was a Tuesday night;
I had just finished watching my California Angels lose
another baseball game. Mom had just finished doing the
dishes. My heart was thumping out of my chest. I needed
to do it now.
I blurted out, Mom,
can I take you out to dinner?
Mom: We just had dinner. (She looks confused.)
Andrew: No, I mean can I take you out to dinner on
Thursday or Sunday?
Mom: What for? Mother’s day was a few months ago.
Andrew: I just want to spend some time with you. We
can just talk.
Mom: What for? Let’s check with Dad.
Andrew: No. I just want time alone with you. Just
to talk—I want to get to know you better. (I’m now
all sweaty from nervousness.)
Mom: (after a long pause) Okay. Where?
Andrew: Wherever you like. (My heart begins to
calm down.)
So, the following
Sunday, I took her out to Four Coins restaurant in the San
Fernando Valley. We ordered our food. Then, mom asks,
“What’s wrong? What did you want to talk about? How
come you didn’t want Dad to come?” I said, “Mom, I
just want to get to know you, to hear about your childhood
and learn about things that make you happy. I want to know
the things that you worry about, things that you hope
for—things like that. I just want to spend time with
you, okay?” We spent the rest of the evening talking
about what life was like in China for her and how she was
one of the few girls to get an education before WWII.
Date
with Dad
Two weeks later, much to my surprise, my dad agreed to go
out alone with me to dinner. My dad even let me pay. After
a series of lunches and dinners with mom and with dad
separately, I started taking my mom to other events, like
the Huntington Library. Time with my dad included taking
him to a UCLA football game. I don’t think he had ever
attended a sports event before, although he watched them
on TV. Yet, our favorite thing to do was sharing a meal
together and then spending time talking in a quiet corner
of a fancy hotel.
Investment
Returns
Over time, both my mom and dad began to reveal some of
their heartaches, their joys, their fears, their hopes for
us, their painful disappointments, and experiences. Before
I had gotten to know my dad, I had always thought my dad
was far too conservative. I thought he didn’t take
enough risks in life. Now I understood him much better. Being
alone with my dad allowed him to share and confide in me
and me in him, which would not have occurred had
another person been there, even if the other person were
my mom or one of my siblings.
Over time, my
dad and I grew in our vulnerability with each other. We
laughed. We shared stories. We talked about the future and
the past. He shared about his struggles serving in the US
Army during WWII. He was the only Asian in the squad. You
can imagine the discrimination and hazing he received as a
scrawny Chinese 17-year-old in a squad of big Caucasian
men. In spite of that, he was proud to be an American and
extremely patriotic. He confided in me that, when the time
came, I was to make sure that his casket was covered with
an American flag and he was given a soldier’s burial.
Over the next
couple of years, my dad shared intimately with me. Once he
told me that he knew that I felt he favored my older
brother, and he wanted me to know that wasn’t true. He
also disclosed that his proudest moment as a father was
walking my sister, May, up the aisle during her wedding
because he had never known his own
father. He and grandpa were separated when he was three
years old and my dad never saw him again. He said he would
regret it if he had never had the opportunity of giving
one of his children in marriage.
By
this time, my dad had received a cancer diagnosis that
would claim his life, so when he told me this, I had tears
in my eyes, and I told him how sad I was to think that he
may never be able to meet my wife. Tears started coming
down his face too. Then it happened. I
told him I loved him. He told me he loved me too! He
said it! He said, “I love you.” Always previously
when I told him I loved him, he would nod back with a
contented smile, as if to say, “I love you too,” but
he never verbalized it. This time, he said it!
Upon
Reflection
As a result of one-on-one times with my mom and dad, our
relationship transformed from a functional,
emotionally-detached, parent-son relationship to an
emotionally vulnerable, fully-engaged friendship. Never
could I have dreamed this could be possible. Communication
with my dad had been virtually non-existent before. But
each time I took a risk or dared to be embarrassed, I
focused on the long-term potential benefit. It took time
and effort, and progress was made one step at a time, one
risk at a time. I wouldn’t trade these experiences for
all the money in the world. Eventually both mom and dad
came to receive the free gift of Jesus as their Savior,
and I received the gift of a deep, vulnerable, loving
relationship with both my mom and dad.
Andrew
is Vice-President, Senior Trust & Estate Specialist
for Merrill Lynch Trust Company. He enjoys helping
families and non-profit organizations effectively steward
their resources to fulfill God's mission for their
families and helping organizations fulfill their mandate
more effectively through charitable and trust planning. He
lives with his wife Mabel and
daughter Kaira
in Kirkland, WA. The author can be reached at Andrew_Low@ml.com
<This article can be read in its entirety at http://www.ccmusa.org/challenger/051012/chg051012.pdf>
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